When the coffin spilled from the stand and the lid popped – allowing the corpse’s head to come rolling out – the funeral fell apart. With a stick I tried to retrieve the head from under the front pew, but I knocked it, and it went spinning away. Someone shouted in a language I did not understand and cordite filled the air. A priest open-mouthed, bared teeth in a dead man’s grin. I opened the coffin, climbed in with the corpse, and closed the lid. When the screaming started I put fingers in ears and fell into a gentle sleep.

It got chaotic when the head came off the corpse. Before that it had been unruly, but it was when the coffin spilled from the stand and the lid popped – allowing the head to come rolling out – that the funeral fell apart. I tried to retrieve it from under the front pew, but it went spinning away. Someone shouted in a language I did not understand and I took the easy way out – I backed up to the coffin, climbed inside, closed the lid, and waited for things to calm down. Sometimes you have to be conservative. one two three four